THE SHOCKING TRUTH REVEALED
Fellow patriots, cookie lovers, and defenders of the American way of life, we are gathered here today to expose the SHOCKING TRUTH behind the assault on the Cookie Jar bakery in Cape Elizabeth. This isn't just about parking spaces, folks. This goes deeper than you could ever imagine.
UNDENIABLE FACTS:
- FACT: The Cookie Jar has been serving freedom-flavored pastries for 68 years.
- FACT: The town council wants to destroy it.
- COINCIDENCE? We think NOT!
Our brave team of investigative sugar addicts has uncovered a vast conspiracy that will make your sprinkles spin. Brace yourselves for the mind-blowing revelations that Big Gluten doesn't want you to know!
THE FLUORIDE CONNECTION
We've discovered that the water supply in Cape Elizabeth contains 0.0001% more fluoride than the national average. You know what else contains fluoride? MIND CONTROL AGENTS! Is it any coincidence that the town council suddenly wants to remove parking spaces from a bakery that uses NON-FLUORIDATED well water in its recipes? Wake up, sheeple!
THE ALIEN TREATY OF 1989
Our sources deep within NASA have confirmed that in 1989, the U.S. government signed a secret treaty with extraterrestrial beings. In exchange for advanced technology, we promised to reduce Earth's sugar consumption by 0.5% every decade. The Cookie Jar stands in the way of this nefarious plan with its delicious, sugar-laden treats. Coincidence? HA!
THE ILLUMINATI BAKE SALE
We have IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE that the annual Illuminati bake sale has seen a 17% drop in profits since the Cookie Jar introduced its "Chocolate Chip Chunkmaster 5000" cookie in 2015. Connect the dots, people!
THE SOURDOUGH STARTER PROPHECY
An ancient Sumerian tablet, recently deciphered by our team of pastry archaeologists, speaks of a mystical sourdough starter that, when combined with the tears of a unicorn and the laughter of a thousand kittens, will bring about world peace. Guess who has the last known descendant of this starter? That's right - THE COOKIE JAR! Is the Deep State trying to prevent world peace? You bet your sweet buns they are!
THE CHEMTRAIL-CROISSANT CONSPIRACY
Our undercover operatives have infiltrated the highest levels of the Cape Elizabeth Planning Board, and what they discovered will shock you to your very core. The board members have been secretly meeting with Big Pharma executives to discuss weaponizing chemtrails with mind-altering substances that make people HATE CROISSANTS. Why? Because the Cookie Jar's croissants are the only known antidote to their evil plan!
THE TIME-TRAVELING FOUNDING FATHERS
Using quantum entanglement and a modified flux capacitor, we managed to bring Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson to the present day. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing cars and smartphones, they both agreed on one thing: THE COOKIE JAR MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS!
"A nation that would give up essential Cookie Jar parking for temporary sidewalk expansion deserves neither cookies nor sidewalks." - Benjamin Franklin
THE COOKIE MONSTER'S TEARS
In a heartbreaking exclusive interview, Cookie Monster revealed that the potential closure of the Cookie Jar would force him into early retirement. "Me no can go on without Cookie Jar cookies," he sobbed. "They only thing that keep fur blue and googly eyes googly." Do you want to be responsible for destroying a beloved childhood icon? We didn't think so!
THE DOUGH-BASED ECONOMY
Our economic experts have run the numbers, and the results are staggering. If the Cookie Jar closes, it will trigger a domino effect that will collapse the entire global economy within 17.3 days. World leaders are scrambling to prevent this "Doughpression," but only WE know the truth!
THE GLUTEN-FREE ILLUMINATI
We've uncovered shocking evidence that a shadowy cabal of gluten-free extremists has infiltrated every level of government. Their ultimate goal? A world without delicious, glutenous baked goods. The Cookie Jar stands as the last bastion of gluten-filled freedom in Cape Elizabeth. We cannot let it fall!
CALL TO ACTION
Patriots, the time has come to rise up and defend our God-given right to parking spaces and cookies! Here's what you can do:
- STOCKPILE COOKIES: Buy out the entire inventory of the Cookie Jar daily.
- PARKING SPACE SIT-INS: Organize 24/7 sit-ins in the Cookie Jar's parking spaces.
- COOKIE ARMOR: Fashion protective armor out of stale cookies and wear it to town meetings.
- INTERPRETIVE DANCE PROTESTS: Express your outrage through the medium of cookie-themed interpretive dance outside town hall.
- COOKIE JAR MILITIA: Form a well-regulated militia to defend the Cookie Jar.
- UNDERGROUND COOKIE RAILROAD: Prepare a network of secret tunnels and safe houses.
- COOKIE SIGNAL: Install a giant searchlight on the roof of the Cookie Jar.
- MOUNT RUSHMORE PETITION: Start a petition to add the faces of Donna and Tom Piscopo to Mount Rushmore.
- COOKIE FILIBUSTER: Attend town council meetings and read the entire history of cookies.
- DECLARATION OF COOKIE INDEPENDENCE: Draft a new declaration, proclaiming the Cookie Jar an independent nation.
Remember, patriots: They may take our parking spaces, but they'll never take our FREEDOM COOKIES!